Clearly

I clearly am not going to respond to your texts. Sending me thirty isn't helping your cause either. Stop. Seriously, you're just pissing me off now. 

Welcome back

Hi, I'm sorry it's been so long. But truthfully, nothing really has been up to blogging par as set by myself. Also I apologize that my blog has been set to private for so long. Um generally what's been up is I have zero cares about either of them. School is awful and I can't wait to go to college. I decided I wanted to be an architect and go to Ithaca in New York. CB, our version of Sadie Hawkins, is coming up in exactly a month and I'm excited for that. I'm not sure if I told you all that my parents made me go to a psychiatrist for my cutting. But they did. It's really dumb. That's pretty much all I've been up to for the past few months. 

Second is the psychotic depressed girl

I'm pretty sure at this point, this point is after over an hour of crying, that I'm psychotic. I feel like a second choice, probably because I am even though people don't realize that they're making me the second choice. I can't blame them though, I wouldn't want to hang out with me me as a first choice either. Who wants to be around the crazy emotional depressed girl? No one, that's who.

Breaking point

I'm having a mental breakdown over fucking school. School. This is ridiculous, but I honestly can't take it. One day of practically nothing and I'm already done. Mental breakdown with crying done. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the year. Can I just be cyber schooled? I feel like that would probably help and I'd only need three classes. Please? I really can't do this.

Senior Thoughts

Tomorrow starts the first day of my senior year of high school. It's crazy, it has flown by like no other. And in knowledge of the first day of hell tomorrow, I accidentally* cut. Now for my monologue that will never be seen.... (*i say accidentally because I didn't intend to do this, although while I was doing it it was no accident, so view this as you will. Back to the monologue) 

   Tomorrow I will see you. I will see her too. It's kind of making me sick, the thought of seeing you both together now that I know you're a couple. Although the thought of seeing her made me sick anyway. Maybe that's why I cut tonight.. I don't know that it was exactly because of both of you, but maybe more so the hope that it would make me feel less sick, take my mind off it a little bit. Maybe it's a pitiful cry for your attention. A cry gone silent with the hope that you'll see it and want to confront me about it. I imagine it'd go something like: 

      Were those cuts on your arm today?/Have you been cutting? Yes. Why? I don't know, I've been doing it lately, I know I shouldn't.... 

    Followed by him talking to me and trying fruitlessly to help me. Perhaps cutting tonight was a culmination of all these things. And maybe, it's none of these things. I don't actually know why I did it tonight. But they bled a lot more than usual, and I stared at them until they almost dripped off my arm. Six new cuts for the start of school. And probably a few more tomorrow evening after I've had a full day in and a period or more with the Bitch. Honestly though, I don't want to stop. It's a pleasant-for-me escape from reality. A numb blindness to everything going on around me. But I'd like to know why I'm doing this. It'd be nice to have a reason other than I don't know; it just kind of happens. 

Sick

I was just, you know, making my self want to throw up. Looking back at pictures, from prom. You know, when everything started going down? I am assuming that its probably a sign of me getting to attached to people that the fact that seeing her <strong>STILL</strong> makes me want to be sick. It's been almost two months now. As if seeing pictures isn't bad enough still, in five days, I'll have to be a room with her for 45 minutes every day. My life just keeps on getting better and better... I feel supremely nauseous, and I can't stop thinking about picking up a razor and cutting the shit out of my arm.. That's bad too. I know. I have never loved someone so much, nor have I ever hated someone so much. I know wanting to have him in my life as a friend even is totally out of the question, we can't even talk in person without it becoming awkward in the middle of a conversation, but I can dream can't I? Truth be told I probably <strong>shouldn't</strong> be dreaming that, but what are ya gonna do? 

I just want you to know...

I don't know why I want him to know that I'm doing this to myself. I mean it's not as if I'm doing it because of him...I think. I doubt it. I just want him to know for some reason, that I'm cutting myself. (Because i did it again tonight) I don't know what I'm expecting him to do or say. It's not like he's going to magically have wise advice to offer. The only thing that would probably come of me telling him is him being worried and telling Syd or Chey. And telling me not to do it, which I already know. I don't know why I want to tell him so badly, or what I'm expecting to come of my telling him. I feel like he should know, for some reason. Not to make him feel like he's the reason I'm doing it, because he's not. But I want him to know. I probably won't tell him, but there's always the off chance I will. Maybe this is the universe trying to help me. Maybe he'll tell me something that will totally change my outlook and help, but probably not. 

I miss you

Last night when the other girls got off and went out with their boyfriends while I stayed in the office a while longer, it made me realize how much I miss going out with you, and just being together and hanging out. That was one of the best parts of having you; knowing that you would always be there and just being around someone who made me genuinely happy. I almost broke down at work last night and started crying. I miss you a lot still, I guess it just took sitting by myself at work doing nothing to realize just how much. I wish you'd come back. I don't even know if you and the bitch are even together, I assume you are but I don't even know and that's not sitting with me. Not knowing that you at least got something good out of this whole ordeal. It sucks. I want to ask how you two are, but asking that out of nowhere would probably come off as weird. And you probably wouldn't give me a straight up answer anyway because you'd probably be thinking about how it'd affect my depression, which by the way is at an all time high right now so it wouldn't matter. I just miss talking to you and being together. I just want to see how you are. 

What did I just do

I've been thinking about doing it for a while now. I'm surprised I didn't the last time. Guys, I don't know what I just did or why I did it. It just kind of happened. I was on Pinterest and *BOOM* next thing I know I'm cutting. It happened last night to except for I just kind of made scratch marks with a safety pin. Tonight I actually cut and bled. I know it's not a good coping mechanism, and that I shouldn't have done it. But I did. And as bad as I know it is to say this, I kind of enjoyed it. Now I'm just sitting here staring at the cuts. They're fascinating in their own morbid kind of way and I like them. I want to keep cutting, I don't know why. I don't even know what I'm doing or who I at this point. Shit. 

Reader, reader

I have days occasionally where I wish I could show you my blogs. Where I wish you'd read the things I write on here so you'd understand exactly what I went through and exactly how I felt and feel. I'm having one of those days tonight. Especially so since your sister now has my blog address and could so easily give it to you or show you. I wish you would read this stuff sometimes, because I wonder if it would surprise you some of the things I've felt or said. I wonder if it'd surprise you how much I hate her, or how in love with you I am. I wonder if it'd get you thinking. But you'll probably never see this, which honestly is kind of sad. I WANT you to read these things. But I'll never have the courage to show you or tell you myself. I'll have to have someone else do it for me. I'd be terrified of what you'd think. How you'd judge me or see me differently. But I am curious as to what you'd think. I want you to be one of my readers. I crave your opinion. 

I wonder

I wonder if you think about me sometimes. If you ever miss me like I miss you. If you ever think about wanting me back. You probably don't, but I wonder if you do sometimes. I wonder if I at least cross your mind occasionally. 

I'm not even sure what's happening

I was with Syd, Chey, and J (His sister)  tonight. Ands when we came back He came to pick J up. Seeing him for the first time in a few weeks was....I don't know. I mean, I was happy to see him, but at the same time I'm not sure it was a good thing. I feel a little sick now and I'm not sure if it was seeing him or if its that Starbucks I had a little while ago. I miss him, and probably seeing him wasn't very good for me. Actually it's definitely not good for me. It's bad right, that I legitimately thought about and almost did kiss him when we walked out the door? (We both left at the same time) It's bad. I know. This is why being around him is more than likely not good for me. Because things like this will happen again and at some point I'll probably go completely off my rocker and actually do it. Then I'll really feel like an idiot. More so than I already do for still missing him this badly. Why did I have to fall in love with him? Why is this my life right now? I'm not even sure what I'm feeling right now. Am I sad? Happy? Sickened? I have no clue. Shit.

Everything

I just thought of this. She's going to turn you into everything you said you didn't want to be. You said you wanted to wait until marriage, she took that from you. You said you didn't want a relationship based around sex, well that what you have. You said you didn't just want to be an ass, but look what she's made you. You said you wanted to fix things, she's only made them worse. You said you didn't want to be a liar, but look at what you've lied about for her sake. She's going to and pretty much already has turned you into everything you said you didn't want to be. I truthfully don't ne'er stand how you can still be with her. How you can let her turn you against all your morals. How you still think she's a good person and a good friend. I just really don't understand how you can still stand her after all she's done to you and put you through. I really don't get it.

Explain please

You will hardly talk to me. You will hardly text me. It feel like you're trying to cut me out of your life. But you can like my picture and my status on Facebook? Oh, okay, that makes sense. I'm so confused, what are you doing?

Vomit and cry

I was with Syd today and towards the end the prom bitch came. I though maybe Moum would be there in time and I wouldn't have to see her, but such was not the case. Anyway being in the same room as her after I left I seriously almost vomited. I should not hate a person so much that the very mention of them makes me sick, but I do. So there was that and then Syd is apparently having a bonfire tonight. I didn't get invited (reason I feel like a charity case sometimes) but it doesn't matter, I don't know that I would have gone, prom bitch is there and so is he. I want to see him, being in the same place as her isn't good for me, and honestly I'm not sure it's a good idea to see him. It probably wouldn't help with the whole getting over him thing. But I miss him so much. It's been bad the past couple of days. Like really bad, not being able to sleep bad. And he's constantly on my mind, I just want him to be mine again. I just want to tell the prom bitch to go fuck herself and leave us be so we can be happy and perfect together. Obviously thought, that isn't going to happen. I wish I would have been the choice. I wish he was mine again. I want to vomit at the thought of her and cry at the thought of him. My life fucking sucks right now.

Late Nights and Late Thoughts

I absolutely hate not being able to sleep. It's annoying for one thing and for another thing it gives me too much time to think. Late nights are part of the reason I just want to be depressed and anti social again. When I was depressed all I thought about was being alone and sleeping. Now I can't stop think about him, and being out with people and doing things. And then I come to my mothers and I realize how much much I hate my life because I never get asked to do things or go places or hang out with people. Sometimes I feel like people tolerate me because they feel bad for me. I feel, especially on nights like tonight, like in reality everybody hates me and no one can stand me. I can't stop thinking tonight. I can't stop thinking about being with him, or that maybe he left me and cheated on me because he actually couldn't stand me. Because he thought I was the most annoying person he's ever met. I feel like that's what everyone thinks about me. I feel like a charity case that people only stand because they feel bad for me for some reason. I honestly wish I hadn't come out of my depression. I wouldn't have to worry if my friends thought of me as a charity case because I wouldn't have any. I wouldn't have been cheated on because I wouldn't have had a boyfriend inthe first place. I hate my life. I hate myself. I just want to curl up and stop thinking for a few hours. I just want a normal life, a life where I'm not a charity case. A life where everything is dandy and happy. Where I don't feel like a charity case, where I don't feel totally useless or unloved. I wish I was depressed again because then I wouldn't care about this stuff.

Missing

I'm hardcore missing him right now. I've pretty much been fine this week, but now I'm laying here missing him like no other. I still haven't been able to cry about it yet. I don't know if its because I don't need to, or because I won't let myself? But I miss him something awful tonight. This is torture. 

Sigh

I lost. If you can call it losing. It's just really hitting me now because I'm alone and no one is here to distract me. It's this sinking feeling in my gut, and the urge to cry. Just the urge, my eyes will tear up and I'll think I'm going to then it just goes away. I feel sick to my stomach and I made dinner but no one is here to eat it, I'm certainly not going to. I told myself while I was doing the dishes that I deserved better than someone who when they fucked up and were given a second chance didn't even want to try and fix things. I deserve better, I do. And I know I'll find someone better eventually. But it's going to be hard. Especially knowing that they're together. That he'll probably tell her he loves her and who knows if he actually means it. I told myself that I was happy they were together, that the two liars, the two cheater, the two assholes deserve each other. I hope they're really happy. I hope they both fuck each other over and cheat on the other. I have half a mind to tell her that just because I forgave her doesn't mean I want anything to do with her. And I have half a mind to tell him he's the biggest fucking douche bag ass I've ever met. I want to, in time still be friends with him, but truthfully, I don't think I ever will be able to. At least not while he's with her. I just can't. He's not even mine and the thought of the two of them being in the same building makes me want to puke and slap them both. I hate her for ruining the one good thing in my life and I hate him for picking her. But it's over now. 

I'd like to laugh at my life right now

I'd like you all to laugh at the patheticness that is my life right now. He picked her. Not me. He picked sex over an actual decent relationship. Okay, if that's what you want then I hope you two are happy together. I knew he was going to pick her last night. He she and I were all at a mutual friends house and then he left with her. If he was picking me he would have stayed. He called me and told me he was picking her and then when we hung up, I sat there and kind of cried and laughed at the same time.

Lights!Camera!Action!

I swear, and if you've read my whole story I'm sure you'd probably agree, my life could be a smash reality show. Honestly, if Keeping Up With the Kardashians is as popular as it is, people would fall in love with my life currently. I'd probably only be good for one season or two, but still. Also, I knew my mother and I were similar, but our life situations are legitimately EXACTLY the same. Save for we're switched in positions. Other than that though we are in the same exact situation. It's weird. 

I've got an itch, literally.

So apparantly being really stressed out causes you to get really itchy. And as I am currently really stressed, I'm super itchy and now I can't sleep. So I hope you're happy. Now I'm tired and itchy. Good job. Even though you don't know I'm super stressed and super itchy its still your fault. 

Hurry

The world went and got itself in a big damn hurry. A line from the Shawshank Redemption. It's so true. So very true.

I need to weep

I am terrified to the point of feeling nauseous that he isn't going to want me back. I gave him until Monday, exactly two weeks he's had now. I will get an answer Monday. I'm just terrified that its not going to be good. Terrified that he'll want her more. He cheated on me with her, I feel like that in itself says she has something I don't. Like it says I'm not a good enough person to be loved. That I lack the qualities that keep someone from cheating. I'm so scared. What if he picks her? I'll be devastated. Of course he won't know how badly it will hurt if he picks her. I want him to be happy, and if the prom bitch is going to make him happy, then I guess I'll take it like an adult. Because when you love someone you have to let them go. You have to allow them to do what gives them joy. I'm still vying for myself. I haven't really counted myself out of the race yet. He said he yes when I asked if he wanted a relationship with me, and I don't know when I asked if he wanted one with her. So that's good for me, but I'm still nervous. Say he realizes he loves her more than he loves me. He'll pick her for sure then. I feel absolutely sick. And I just want to cry with nervousness. Come Monday, I think no matter what his choice, I'll have to weep. Not cry, no. Weep. The kind of weeping that will leave me completely spent and lying in a big happy or sad heap in my bed. The kind of weeping that you can only do when you're feeling total emotion. Crying won't suffice to rid me of these emotions and jitters and god only knows what. I need to weep. I need to let myself go completely and put all my effort into it. Think of nothing but weeping of joy or sorrow. I need a good weep. It will revive me. Because come Monday, I know I'll be a pile of nothingness. All my energy completely spent on trying to get him back, even though he may not deserve it. I want him so badly. I'm putting myself out there completely and it's exhausting. I need to weep. That and nothing more.

I told you so

I told you she'd still be your friend if we got back together. I told you. Now, I've shown you. Her words. Her EXACT words. Do you believe me now? I told you so. 

I'm not good at giving ultimatums

I thought about giving him an ultimatum last night, but I couldn't. So this is our conversation and what transpired. 

(Because I'm a pushy bitch, and I knew that he was lying because he TOLD me earlier he wanted me back I kept pushing)

So, now I'm stuck here again, being strung along some more. Not knowing if we are or are not going to get back together. I want him back desperately. I wish he'd stop letting her unknowingly make decisions for him. Why can't I just have him back? 

Tired

 I'm so tired of this. I feel completely strung out. I've been on edge with not knowing where we're going for almost two weeks now. It's honestly exhausting putting yourself completely out there and willing to drop it all for someone and they just keep stringing you along. "Can I have a week?" Of course. But now it's been almost two. I can't do this much longer. I feel like I'm going to snap. I need an answer. Me? Or her? Or well not so much her, but rather me, or neither? I know you're going to lie anyway and say you want us both to be happy. That's not what I'm asking. Do you want a relationship? Yes, or No? Answer me truthfully, because I know you're going to fuck yourself over to make her happy.

Ugh

I want him to be here. Right now. I want to kiss him. I want him to hold me. I just want him desperately. 

Fuck her

Fuck her. And while I know I should be pissed at him for cheating and now toying with me, unintentionally or not, I can't help but be even more pissed off at her.  She fucking ruined everything. Everything was fine and good and then she came along and fucked everything up. I should be equally mad at them both, but I'm not. I'm just mad at her. I'm beyond mad, I'm furious. One good thing in my  life at the absolute shittiest time of my life and she comes tramping in and destroys it. Fuck you. I fucking hate you. Go die. 

I can't wait forever, but neither can you.

Listen, I get that you care for her, I do. But I can't, as much as I would, I can't wait around for you to decide that she is going to be ok. She'll be alright, you can't be so concerned about her. She is a 17 year old girl, and she'll go right back to him when he looks at her. Please, I get that you want her to be happy, but you can't wait around on her to get happy and sacrifice both yours and my happiness. You just can't. I can't wait around forever, but neither can you. She messed things up for us once, don't let her do it again. Please, please.

Fool me once

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." It's an old saying with a lot of truth. We're going round two with this relationship, and I'm trusting you, by some unknown force, to not do it again. Fool me once, shame on you. This was all you, I was clueless. Fool me twice, shame on me. I know what you've done now and I'm trusting you again. If it happens again I can't get upset. I'm not clueless anymore. But believe me when I say, that I do love you. I happen to love you an awful lot and that's why I'm doing this.   

Cool

I just got back and I already want to leave again. I want out of this house, out of this town; fuck, I wouldn't even mind out of this state or country. I just need to leave again. This today has been the icing on the "I can't take much more of this" cake. I just need to get away and forget about everyone and everything here. I just want to leave

A hole of comparison

I think one of the worst feelings someone can have is a feeling of being compared to another person. Regardless of who is doing it. Someone else does it, you feel like shit. You do it, you feel maybe slightly shittier. Either way you end up feeling like a lost abused puppy that no one will ever love. Even if you know people love you. There's just something about beating up on yourself because you feel like you can't live up to someone else that does a damage that nothing can repair. Sure you can tuck it away and maybe forget about it, but the damage is still irreparably done. As if comparing yourself to someone isn't bad enough, you sometimes feel like other people compare you someone else and that just adds to the feeling of shittiness. I can't help but think, even though I'm quite sure it's not true, that he did it because she's skinnier than I am. She doesn't have stretch marks. Or a not so flat stomach. She's pretty too. She's an image of 21st century American perfection. And I, well, I am not. I'm not fat, I'm not ugly, but certainly I don't live up to the perfect American girl icon that most guys want. I can't help but compare myself to her and pick at my flaws in hopes of finding a reason, one that notably isn't there, as to why he cheated. I was fine today and now I've gone and put myself in a hole of comparison. It's an awful thing for someone to do to themselves. 

I think I forgot

I do believe I forgot to mention, they had sex. I realize this doesn't really help my whole "I want him back and I love him regardless of what he did" situation, but just a rather important tid bit of info I forgot to mention in my other posts. And now you have the whole story as it currently is. 

Realize

I just wish he'd realize that the prom bitch will never be able to be with him because she'll go running right back to her asshole as soon as he looks at her. I hope he realizes that we can be happy together, because I know he loves me and I love him. Even if its not forever, I was hoping it'd be longer than this. Maybe he'll realize. Maybe he'll see that I'll love him even when she's gone

Happiness, it's relevant

You wanted to be happy with me. That's all I wanted too. You said that, those words yet you said them after you did what I thought you'd never do. So why do I believe you? Why am I still head over heels for you? Why can't I imagine my life right now without you? You said you loved me and I believed you. Then you broke that trust. Now you say this and I still believe you. I guess when you love someone that's what you do. You believe them, regardless of what they've done. 

...

It terrifies me to think, well know really, that he probably loves her more than he'll ever love me. It's awful, but I still love him. I just hope he realizes that.

Well fuck. I don't even know.

I got back from Italy on Saturday. And hung out with my friends and boyfriend on Sunday. Then he broke up with me. He cheated on me multiple times with the prom bitch. I was pissed at the, both yesterday night and really upset. And now I'm not. Is it bad that I've already forgiven him? That even though he fucked her I still want to be with him. That I still love him. That if he asked me out today I'd say yes in a heartbeat? Everyone is angry with them and I, the one who got hurt the most, have already gotten over it and forgiven them. We talked last night after he did it and we talked again today. He told me he loves me, and I believe him, as bad as it may sound. I told him I loved him to and that I'd get back with him in a millisecond if he ever wanted me. I know it's probably stupid of me. I feel like,I feel like Syd and the drugee she's found herself hopelessly attracted to. No matter how badly he treats her she'll go back to him if he calls. I feel like that only worse because I'm in love with mine unlike her. I just want him back. It's awful that I'm willing to put up with the possibility of being cheated on again, having my heart broken again, and being lied to and having my trust crushed again. But as much as I know it's wrong, I can't help myself. I love him desperately, and even though everyone has told me, including him, and I know it myself, I don't want better, I want him. That's all. Him and only him. I just wanted and want to be happy with him. That's it. But now if we get back together, we'll have to keep it to ourselves. Because everyone is mad and they'll call me dumb. But I just want to be with him. Why did things happen like this. Fuck. 

Buses and shrubs, buses and shrubs

I don't really mind traveling on a bus for a few hours. Unless that bus ride happens to be an eight hour excursion where the entirety of the view is shrubs and hills. The ride from Madrid to Barcelona is very pretty yes, but honestly, once you've seen a section of the Spanish country side, you've pretty much seen the whole thing. Oh well, it'll be worth it to get to Barcelona and be there and at the beach. Only a few more hours, thank god. 

Madrid

We got into Madrid yesterday. It's absolutely beautiful. I'm completely infatuated. The buildings and streets are wonderful and the fashion is just oh my god. I love love love the clothes, I spent some euros today and got myself some fantastic clothes. I'm so excited to wear them!

The "L" word

Well, we said it. We told each other that we loved each other tonight. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders only for another to be put on. Because it felt so good to finally tell him I love him, but now I don't get to see him for another two weeks. God, relationships are horribly wonderful. But I do love him and it was so nice to see him. I can't imagine my life without him in it now. I honestly can't. I can see myself being with him forever. I know we've only been together a month, but it's said to only take a fifth of a second to fall in love. I can't imagine a future without him in it. 

Well hello there

I haven't written in about a week, I had zero time though. So I'll fill you in. Boyfriend got back Saturday and I got back yesterday. Today is our one month and that's really all you missed. 

Monday

Stupid fucking Monday being so fucking far away. Damn, just come faster, I want my boyfriend

Finally

I finally got to have a half decent conversation with Boyfriend today. This five hour time difference is killing me, but I leave on Tuesday so it won’t be too bad for too much longer. I miss him so much. I can’t wait for next Monday. Please hurry the hell up, I want to kiss my boy. 

Dear Boyfriend,

Dear Boyfriend, 

        Hello, I miss you terribly. I wish you would get home soon and that I would be here when you do. I want you to come lay with me, and kiss my head and hold my hand. I want to put my head on your chest and just fall asleep surrounded by your arms. I want you holding my hand and kissing me and being with me. I really miss you. I can't wait until we're together again next Monday. It's honestly going to be the best feeling having you by my side and being with you. I didn't realize that when you left, and I couldn't talk to you whenever I wanted, that it would cause me to subconsciously wake up at 3 am every morning so I could see if you were online so I could talk to you. This isn't fun and I want you to come cuddle with me. I love you and in case you didn't hear me say I miss you terribly. 

                                                                                           Love and miss you bunches darling,

                                                                                                                                                 ~C~

Adventures in Eczema

Yesterday, my fingers started bothering me. It kind of feels like when your hand falls asleep and you get that static feeling, only less magnified and you can't bend or use your fingers without it hurting and they're really temperature sensitive. Like having sunburn all over your hands and submerging them in hot water. It hurts like no other and I have little bubbles under the skin on the tips of my fingers. It was really bothering me this morning so I did the logical thing and googled it. My searching came back with pompholyx eczema. All it is is these itchy painful blisters you get on your hands and feet. It sucks and so I'm going to the doctors tonight. God it's painful....

Owl City, Mahjong, and Facebook

The time of being able to talk to Boyfriend is nearly upon me. Ireland is 5 hours ahead of us so its almost 7 o'clock over there which means we'll be able to talk soon. In the interest of killing time and not going crazy I'm listening to my Itunes, playing mahjong, and blogging while waiting for my Facebook to tell me I have a new message. Although I'm not really sure that this is keeping me entirely sane. This week will be the hardest, next week when I actually have things to keep me occupied it will be easier. Hard, but easier than it is now when I have nothing to do and am sitting around waiting for him to message me. I'll actually be doing things all of the days next week so I wont go completely bat-shit crazy. I didn't realize how much we actually talked and how fantastic being able to talk to him whenever I wanted was until now. God, I hope the rest of these two weeks are this terrible...dear god, I really hope they aren't this bad.....I'll be able to text when I'm in Italy so that'll be nice, I won't have to go crazy again. Thank god. The only bad thing will be the 6 hour time difference, but we'll figure it out.

On that running grind

Yes, I gave this a ghetto title, so? But seriously, I've started my training for cross country. I'm so out of shape, it's not even funny. I even did track and I'm still out of shape. I've run for 4 days now so I'll probably take a day off tomorrow because you're not supposed to run every day. I love running, I love it a lot, I just never have motivation to get off my ass and actually run, but I've been doing well and I'm proud of myself. I've run at least a mile if not more every day, which is good. I'm just building up stamina and base miles right now. I'll start getting heavier in July and August especially right before start. I'll get there, it'll just take time. Speaking of time, my mile time was awful tonight, I'm embarrassed to say that it took me 14 minutes tonight. That's really awful seeing as how I used to run 9 minute mile. It kind of makes me want to cry, but I just need to keep running. I'm going for sub a 26:00 5k this year. My PR (runner talk for personal record) was a 26 something two years ago. I didn't do XC this year, I missed it terribly. So I'm running again and as painful as it is, it feels fantastic. I love the burn you get in your muscles when you force yourself to push it farther. I've missed running miles terribly and I'm soooo glad I started up again. 

....

He hasn't even been gone a whole day, and I even talked to him this morning. But I still already don't like not being ale to text him whenever I want....sadness

I'm just blogging about nothing now...

I'm blogging about absolutely nothing now, but I'm bored and no one is forcing you to read this, so I'll blog about whatever the hell I want. Anywho....I was reading another blog on my Wordpress, (I learned today that there are actually other blogs here and I can maybe find them if I look hard enough. I don't actually know how to search things own here though, so it's a process.) and she was writing about how the Internet knows her life better than people in her real life. It got me thinking and I realized how true it is. You all, whoever you may be know more about my personal life than anyone. Truthfully, I'd be mortified if anyone I knew found this and read it. So if you figure out I am me and that you know me, please just keep on trucking. If you really have to read this just keep it to yourself and don't tell anyone else please and thanks. I just really like randoming to the good people of the internet. It's relaxing and helps me get my mind clear. Also, if you're reading my blog please feel free to leave some comments/advice/whatevers. I'd appreciate them...

Summer Vacation

School let out last Friday, and so vacation has started. As much as I love summer and its temperature and lack of school, it's boring as hell. Honestly, I have no life and I never do anything. Like today for example, I haven't even put on a bra or gotten a shower yet and it's already 2:30. I feel like a bum, but I have nothing to get ready for, no where to go. Summer is boring...

And it begins

And so, two weeks of not seeing him begins today. It's going to be a looong two weeks too. Hopefully this week won't be too awful and next week I'll be dead from conference so hopefully I won't miss him too much. There's a five hour time difference so talking to him is going to be just a little bit awkward. But we still will. I'm going to miss him a lot. But we do get to spend our one month together which is good. 

This is Truth

I love him. Truthfully and honestly. I love him for his awkwardness, and his insecurity. For the way makes me feel when I'm around him and the way I always want him to be holding me. I love him for his quirks, and flaws, and imperfections that make him perfect to me. For the way he knows just what to say, usually. I love him for the way he looks at me when we're laying together and the smile he gets when we kiss. For the way he holds me as if I'm going to fall away when we kiss and hug. I love him for so many reasons and I know I'll find a million more. I fell quick and hard with him, but I don't mind at all. I really can't imagine life without him now. He gives me a reason to look forward to tomorrow. He came to me at such a perfect time, when I was just starting to give up hope of being happy again. Coming off a depression will do that but having someone else beside you all the time makes it so much easier. He truly could not have come at a more opportune time. I don't really believe in a god, but there must be something out there because he is a "godsend" for lack of a better term. I love him. Truthfully and honestly, I do. 

No longer terrified

I completely forgot to tell you guys this. I talked to him the other night when I was having my jealous mental breakdown. I told him and this was his response....

He honestly made me cry more than I was already. But his was nothing compared to what my sister said because I was going insane and he hadn't replied yet....

She's 12 by the way, like honestly? What 12 year old says that kind of stuff? I balled when I read that. As much as I dislike her usually she does things like this that make me love her. So boyfriend and I are good now we got things worked out and hopefully this will make us a stronger couple. 

The woes of summer

Once upon a time I was dating a boy. He was wonderful and we were together very often. Then summer came. 

     We still intend to be together at least once or twice a week if not more, but when one of us isn't in the country it's a little difficult. Such is the case these next few weeks. He leaves for Ireland for 10 days on Wednesday and then on Tuesday while he's still gone I leave for Conference for 5 days. So while I'm gone he'll come home 3 or 4 days before I get back on Sunday. The following Monday, the 17th,  is our one month, and then on the 20th I leave for Italy and Spain for ten days. So really we aren't going to get to see each other a whole lot for the next few weeks which sucks. I'm just glad that neither of us will be gone on our one month. I'll just be impeccably tired from Conference, but we'll still get to be together. It's crazy to think that in just 2 weeks we'll have been together for an entire month. It's awesome. I'm crazy about him and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way about me. Hopefully we'll get to see each other tomorrow before he leaves on Wednesday, we'll probably end up just hanging out at the house and watching a movie or something. 

Terrified

I'm terrified. I'm so horribly scared that he's going to realize he likes her more than he could ever like me and that he's going to leave. I'm not even scared of him doing something with her again. I'm scared he's going to leave. I should probably talk to him. I need to talk to him, but I don't think I can right now. I've never been so scared of losing something. 

I...uhm...I...

Today was it. Last day of school. I spent about 12 hours with boyfriend today, we did......stuff. No,  we didn't get it in, which I'm really glad. However, other things did happen. We then went out and on the way to his house he told me something REALLY important. He apparently made out with the slutty girl he went to prom with. I knew, like I could just tell something had happened between them. You don't have a relationship that close with someone and not have something happen between the two of you. So he told me he had cheated, and I know I should be really angry. I should not be able to trust him, I should break up with him. Probably anyone reading this is saying "exactly!!" right about now. I can't. I'm trying and I've tried to be angry with him, but I can't be. I cannot physically bring myself to be angry  or distrusting of him. He apologized, and apologized, and said he knew it was wrong, and so on. I know he knows it was, I know he's sorry. He's not the kind of person to just throw out apologies if he doesn't mean them. Maybe he is, I don't know, but I honestly can't bring myself to be mad at him. His apology was so sincere, he just had that look in his eyes. I don't know, maybe I'm too forgiving but I can't not forgive him. I think part of the reason I'm forgiving him is because I love him. I think I've known that for a while now, I just haven't told him yet. And no, I'm not that girl who just throws out I love you's. I've told one other person that. One. When I say it, I truly mean it. I think I love him too much to let this ruin what we may have. I get that it was really really wrong, but at the same time so many people cheat now a days. He's only human and everyone makes mistakes. He's never given me a reason not to trust him. I just wish he'd have told me a little sooner. Oh, and don't get me wrong, he shouldn't have done it, and its definitely not okay, I'm just not mad about it. I guess this is the first test of our relationship, and every relationship has its ups and downs, it damn, this is a big one. We'll just have to work it out. We can get through it, I'm confident. 

*an important edit* I found out yesterday that there was in fact no making out. It was just a kiss

Last Day

I haven't written in forever it feels like. Anyways, tomorrow is the last day of school! Yay! I just have to make it through 2 hours of stupid and then I'll officially be a senior, and it'll be summer break. Thank god. It's been a hell of a year, and when I say hell I mean it quite literally, this year was pretty awful. On a brighter note: our middle school kids do a shaving cream battle every year after they get out in one of the parks up town. So boyfriend and I are going up after school to watch and then hanging out with some of our other friends. Well, that's what we're saying we're doing anyway. When my dad gets home though, we'll be appropriate and then we're leaving and going to get Greek food and see Gatsby. I'm so excited. Not only is school done, but I'm spending the entirety of the day with boyfriend. I don't think life gets much better. Plus, I really like Greek, and I really want to see Gatsby, so added bonus! Anywho, I'm not sure how frequently I'll post over the summer, but I promise I'll try to keep updated. Happy summer everyone! 

Cliché

So yesterday marked a week of official dating, although its really been more like two. But I had to be cliché because that's just how I am. So I texted him in the morning and put "one week! <3"  on twitter, because that's what any normal high school girl would do. I like being cliché, it's enjoyable. Sadly though we didn't even get to hang out last night. I had family friends come in and then my friends kidnapped me and took me to sweet frog at like 9:30, I got to see him a little at school, but that was it. Oh well. As long as I get to be with him on our one month we'll be good. 

Meh

I want Greek food. I also want to see Gatsby, and boyfriend.  I only got to see him for like five seconds after school today. Wah! I want him to be here. Please come lay with me, I'll love you forever. We can be bestest friends too, and I'm your girlfriend so you should want to. Ill make him go get Greek and see Gatsby with me this weekend. That sounds like a good idea

Please

Can boyfriend just live at my house on the weekends and cater to my every cuddling/making out/kissing/kanoodleing whim? I think this needs to happen. I don't like not having him around and not touching me in some way. I have a really uncontrolled physical contact libido. I just want him near me and holding me every second of the day. It's especially bad today because we've seen each other for the past two days and were able to do that. I want him here. I just want to cuddle and talk and maybe kiss a little. Dear boyfriend, please come to my house. I need you. Please?

Prom: Afterthoughts

Prom was fun. My date was fun and actually danced with me, although I knew he would be. Despite the fact that boyfriend's date was hardcore grinding on him, (obviously I didn't really care for that, but can I say anything really? They went together.) she earned back some brownie points by slow dancing with my date so we could dance together. She also earned some more after prom. Thankfully the music didn't suck this year, and the food was better. After prom I came home and changed clothes then went to a get together  at a friends house. I got invited to a field party, but honestly, that's not my thing, and most of the people there weren't my crowd. So I went to the gathering and kanoodled with boyfriend. I had to be home at two so he walked me, and made out with me, and grabbed my butt...he then apologized for grabbing my butt. My butt is my favorite part of my body, it's nice, really nice. So I don't get offended when people grab/touch/stare at it. I take it as a compliment. Apparently he didn't know that. But all in all prom was good, and after was pretty great too.

Mwah

The one thing I really do enjoy about being in a relationship is the kissing. Yea, you can kiss people even if you're not dating them, but there's just something about lip locking with someone you're romantically involved with. It makes it more,I don't even know,but it just makes it better. More satisfying if you will. Kissing is more satisfying but making out with your boyfriend/girlfriend has this air about it that is uniquely and all it's own. It's wonderful. Kissing is wonderful. 

Officially DTR'd

So, I had an eventful evening. The boy and I went to dinner with my Moum had her boyfriend, we got ribs and they were delicious, things were normal. That went well and then we went to IKEA. That where things went from good to great. So we were walking around IKEA and my mom hers were walking around somewhere else in the store. We turned down an isle and he planted one on me. Not just like a *mwah* but a full blown tongue down your throat kiss. I'm not complaining, I rather enjoyed it, it just took me by surprise is all. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised at all by his ferocity. (That's not really a good word, but I can't think of another way to describe it right now.) We've been talking about making out all week after prom, and I think both of us have been desperately waiting Saturday evenings arrival. Apparently some of us couldn't wait that long to lock tongues. I don't care, I wanted to also, I just wasn't expecting our first make out sesh to be in closet isle at IKEA. Oh well, carpe diem, as they say. So after our IKEA journey we went to the car because they were getting ready to close. My mom and hers hadn't come out yet so we were sitting in the car, kissing, talking, you know; he asked me out. Well, really he told me I should go out with him, but regardless I was going to say yes. So now we're official. We're dating, and its good. I'm happy. Go life! 

DTR-ing

DTR: define the relationship.. I'd say we did that today, just not in so many words. DTR-ing means that you say you're dating, together, boyfriend/girlfriend, going steady, how ever you want to phrase it. I would assume that kissing, in the middle of a crowded hall, is a form of DTR-ing. I mean honestly, you can't do that and then expect people to not assume you're dating. That's not how it works. So I believe we're official now. Not Facebook official though; that's how a relationship gets ruined in its infancy. Never put anything you want to last on Facebook. Just don't, you're only asking for things to go horribly awry. 

Food for thought

We went on a field trip today for Italian Club to the International Rooms at Pitt and to this amazing authentic Italian restaurant. While we waited for our food my friends and I had a really intense conversation about why kids today are so very different from ourselves, and about how socially lacking they are. 

     Most parents today are lazy. When they need to distract their kids they want a quick distraction that will keep the kid entertained for as long as possible. So rather than giving them a coloring book or paper and pencils, they give them an iPad, iPhone, etc. it's ridiculous. Your child has no concept of self entertainment. Most elementary kids and even younger know how to operate and iPhone. Most middle schoolers don't even have real conversations. They text, which is fine, I text to, but I know how to have a real face to face conversation too, unlike them. They have minimal to no social skills and its awful. For them, their phones are WAY of life, to us, phones are an ACCESSORY to life. We don't need them like the younger generation does, but we have them and they're convenient. I'm not against kids having and utilizing technology, but sometimes the parent or guardian needs to step in and say enough, go outside, do something other than sit there on your phone/computer/tablet. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen as often as it needs to. 

Ribs and Prom cont.

I forgot to mention, I'm no longer worried about something happening between him and his date.  He's as excited as I am about Saturday evening. 

Ribs and Prom

On Friday, the boy and I are going to get ribs with my Moum and her boyfriend. These ribs are legit the absolute best ribs you will ever put in your mouth. Totally worth the 2 hour drive. Plus, I get to spend a few hours with him. And then on Saturday is prom. I'm excited for prom, the guy I'm going with is great, he'll be a good date and lots of fun. However, as excited as I am for the actual prom, I'm even more excited for after. All my friends including him, are going to another friends house after, (all their dates included), so I'm not going because that'd be a little bit awk. But she lives near me so boyfriend and myself are meeting up and most definitely making out. We don't get to do a lot of that since he has football through the week and we're in different grades. So making out is happening whenever we can. Saturday is only a few days away but it seems like an eternity having to wait for him to kiss me again. Being with him is an addiction. We did it a few times and now I want to be with him all the time; every second of every day. I'm crazy about him.

The Green Eyed Monster

     Jealousy, it's an awful thing. Even though we've only been together a few days its still invaded my mind. Prom is this week and both of us are going. Just, not with each other. Both of us had dates before we even started talking. I don't care really that he's going with her, I like her. It's just the whole AFTER thing that concerns me. She's nice, but she's kind of slutty and I know she would do things with him, even if its not sexual. They're spending the night at one of our mutual friends house.  I am not because the guy I'm going with isn't friends with any of them, just me. So I'm concerned. I don't really know how his self control is, I assume its going to be alright, but there's always that chance it won't be. I know I'm probably worrying over nothing. He likes me, we're together, and I really can't imagine him potentially ruining our relationship, but that doesn't mean I'm not jealous. They talked a little before we did, and he says she's not his type, but honestly, we're teenagers. Like really, hello hormones and desires! I'm just worried, but I don't know. I probably will get invited regardless, so it may work out in the end. Who knows. Jealousy sucks.

My Moum

      Moum, mom, mother, madre, mommy, whatever you call her she's yours. Whether or not you claim her you've got her. Without her you wouldn't be here, you wouldn't be you. Whether she's hurt or helped you she made you who you are. Be thankful for your mom, she's helped you in life regardless of whether you realize it or not. My Moum is my best friend and my therapist. She's there for me always and supportive of my decisions. I love her and I don't know what I'd do without her. So  Happy Mothers Day all you moms. You deserve recognition for giving birth.

Kissing

    Last night Boyfriend and I were talking about kissing and why we should do it when he gets home from Virginia. I mean you don't really need a reason, but I was trying to give him some incentive to not fall asleep and die while driving back up. Eventually our conversation turned towards random kissing facts, which is what I present to you now.
   1. Kissing lowers blood pressure
   2. Basic lip to lip burns 6.5 calories a minute
   3. Making out burns about 27 calories a minute
   4. Kissing is good for your oral hygiene. When you kiss you salivate more which in turn helps to keep your mouth clean and keep sickness at bay
   5. Kiss comes from an old English word cyssan which is based on the sound a kiss makes
   6. The science of kissing is called philematology
   7. Lips are 100 times more sensitive than fingers, or even genitals
   8. A French kiss utilizes all 34 muscles in your face
   9. A woman can reach orgasm through kissing
   10. A study showed than men who kissed their partners or spouse before leaving for work were likely to live 5 years longer than those who didn't.
     And there you have it, some random and potentially useless kissing info. Next time you need an excuse to kiss someone, just tell them it's good for their health.

A New Phase

    A not so long ago time ago I was going through a depression. My parents were separated for about a year and were finalizing the divorce. It was hard on us all. My dad was mopy and depressed all the time, my sister moody and overly emotional. I was depressed although I didn't know why. The divorce hadn't affected me to greatly, it's better this way. I started therapy and stayed with it for only a few months before I realized the therapist thought I wanted to talk about the divorce. I didn't want to talk about that. I had already come to peace with that. Let me tell you, it's hard to talk to someone about why you're depressed when you yourself don't even know. Although I think now that it was because I was talking to this not-so-great-guy. He was big into pot and drinking and partying. Not the kind of guy I should have been talking to. I got used for sex, but in my mind it wasn't being used, he really did like me. He was athletic, older, nice to me generally, great in my clouded mind. I realized after I stopped therapy why I was depressed. I wanted him to like me, but he obviously didn't and wasn't going to. I had wasted so much time and energy on him, it's not even funny. Gladly now though, I've out him in my past and moved on. I'm much happier now, and I'm ready for this new phase of my life. A much better guy, a fresh perspective on life, and becoming more social again, although its difficult. I lost connections with a lot of my friends during the pot head phase. But I'm getting out more and being more social. And like I said, I have a guy now who treats me well and doesn't use me for sex. It's a new phase and I'm going into it head first and strong.

"That Guy"

     I had my first date last night. It went pretty well as far as I'm concerned. It wasn't anything fancy, ice cream and then a small gathering at a mutual friend's house. The conversation was good and there wasn't really much awkward silence, which is a miracle in and of itself with the two of us. We've been talking for a few weeks now so it was nice to see him out of school and just spend time together. At the gathering we sat and talked for a while and then held hands, nothing major. Then we had some food and came back and he put his arm around me. We sat like that for a while until everyone decided to play Apples to Apples. Everyone got bored of that pretty quick and we just kind of dispersed into our respective couples. Then we kissed. Not once, but three times. It was splendid. The second time we did we were cuddling in the chair-and-a-half and holding hands. I can't even think about kissing him without getting butterflies. Needless to say I'm pretty enthralled with him. I hope we work out. When he left last night I missed him as soon as he wasn't touching me. I feel like that's an indicator of attraction. But maybe that's just me. Who knows?