Senior Thoughts

Tomorrow starts the first day of my senior year of high school. It's crazy, it has flown by like no other. And in knowledge of the first day of hell tomorrow, I accidentally* cut. Now for my monologue that will never be seen.... (*i say accidentally because I didn't intend to do this, although while I was doing it it was no accident, so view this as you will. Back to the monologue) 

   Tomorrow I will see you. I will see her too. It's kind of making me sick, the thought of seeing you both together now that I know you're a couple. Although the thought of seeing her made me sick anyway. Maybe that's why I cut tonight.. I don't know that it was exactly because of both of you, but maybe more so the hope that it would make me feel less sick, take my mind off it a little bit. Maybe it's a pitiful cry for your attention. A cry gone silent with the hope that you'll see it and want to confront me about it. I imagine it'd go something like: 

      Were those cuts on your arm today?/Have you been cutting? Yes. Why? I don't know, I've been doing it lately, I know I shouldn't.... 

    Followed by him talking to me and trying fruitlessly to help me. Perhaps cutting tonight was a culmination of all these things. And maybe, it's none of these things. I don't actually know why I did it tonight. But they bled a lot more than usual, and I stared at them until they almost dripped off my arm. Six new cuts for the start of school. And probably a few more tomorrow evening after I've had a full day in and a period or more with the Bitch. Honestly though, I don't want to stop. It's a pleasant-for-me escape from reality. A numb blindness to everything going on around me. But I'd like to know why I'm doing this. It'd be nice to have a reason other than I don't know; it just kind of happens.