I'm not even sure what's happening

I was with Syd, Chey, and J (His sister)  tonight. Ands when we came back He came to pick J up. Seeing him for the first time in a few weeks was....I don't know. I mean, I was happy to see him, but at the same time I'm not sure it was a good thing. I feel a little sick now and I'm not sure if it was seeing him or if its that Starbucks I had a little while ago. I miss him, and probably seeing him wasn't very good for me. Actually it's definitely not good for me. It's bad right, that I legitimately thought about and almost did kiss him when we walked out the door? (We both left at the same time) It's bad. I know. This is why being around him is more than likely not good for me. Because things like this will happen again and at some point I'll probably go completely off my rocker and actually do it. Then I'll really feel like an idiot. More so than I already do for still missing him this badly. Why did I have to fall in love with him? Why is this my life right now? I'm not even sure what I'm feeling right now. Am I sad? Happy? Sickened? I have no clue. Shit.