Late Nights and Late Thoughts

I absolutely hate not being able to sleep. It's annoying for one thing and for another thing it gives me too much time to think. Late nights are part of the reason I just want to be depressed and anti social again. When I was depressed all I thought about was being alone and sleeping. Now I can't stop think about him, and being out with people and doing things. And then I come to my mothers and I realize how much much I hate my life because I never get asked to do things or go places or hang out with people. Sometimes I feel like people tolerate me because they feel bad for me. I feel, especially on nights like tonight, like in reality everybody hates me and no one can stand me. I can't stop thinking tonight. I can't stop thinking about being with him, or that maybe he left me and cheated on me because he actually couldn't stand me. Because he thought I was the most annoying person he's ever met. I feel like that's what everyone thinks about me. I feel like a charity case that people only stand because they feel bad for me for some reason. I honestly wish I hadn't come out of my depression. I wouldn't have to worry if my friends thought of me as a charity case because I wouldn't have any. I wouldn't have been cheated on because I wouldn't have had a boyfriend inthe first place. I hate my life. I hate myself. I just want to curl up and stop thinking for a few hours. I just want a normal life, a life where I'm not a charity case. A life where everything is dandy and happy. Where I don't feel like a charity case, where I don't feel totally useless or unloved. I wish I was depressed again because then I wouldn't care about this stuff.