Second is the psychotic depressed girl

I'm pretty sure at this point, this point is after over an hour of crying, that I'm psychotic. I feel like a second choice, probably because I am even though people don't realize that they're making me the second choice. I can't blame them though, I wouldn't want to hang out with me me as a first choice either. Who wants to be around the crazy emotional depressed girl? No one, that's who.

Breaking point

I'm having a mental breakdown over fucking school. School. This is ridiculous, but I honestly can't take it. One day of practically nothing and I'm already done. Mental breakdown with crying done. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the year. Can I just be cyber schooled? I feel like that would probably help and I'd only need three classes. Please? I really can't do this.

Senior Thoughts

Tomorrow starts the first day of my senior year of high school. It's crazy, it has flown by like no other. And in knowledge of the first day of hell tomorrow, I accidentally* cut. Now for my monologue that will never be seen.... (*i say accidentally because I didn't intend to do this, although while I was doing it it was no accident, so view this as you will. Back to the monologue) 

   Tomorrow I will see you. I will see her too. It's kind of making me sick, the thought of seeing you both together now that I know you're a couple. Although the thought of seeing her made me sick anyway. Maybe that's why I cut tonight.. I don't know that it was exactly because of both of you, but maybe more so the hope that it would make me feel less sick, take my mind off it a little bit. Maybe it's a pitiful cry for your attention. A cry gone silent with the hope that you'll see it and want to confront me about it. I imagine it'd go something like: 

      Were those cuts on your arm today?/Have you been cutting? Yes. Why? I don't know, I've been doing it lately, I know I shouldn't.... 

    Followed by him talking to me and trying fruitlessly to help me. Perhaps cutting tonight was a culmination of all these things. And maybe, it's none of these things. I don't actually know why I did it tonight. But they bled a lot more than usual, and I stared at them until they almost dripped off my arm. Six new cuts for the start of school. And probably a few more tomorrow evening after I've had a full day in and a period or more with the Bitch. Honestly though, I don't want to stop. It's a pleasant-for-me escape from reality. A numb blindness to everything going on around me. But I'd like to know why I'm doing this. It'd be nice to have a reason other than I don't know; it just kind of happens. 

Sick

I was just, you know, making my self want to throw up. Looking back at pictures, from prom. You know, when everything started going down? I am assuming that its probably a sign of me getting to attached to people that the fact that seeing her <strong>STILL</strong> makes me want to be sick. It's been almost two months now. As if seeing pictures isn't bad enough still, in five days, I'll have to be a room with her for 45 minutes every day. My life just keeps on getting better and better... I feel supremely nauseous, and I can't stop thinking about picking up a razor and cutting the shit out of my arm.. That's bad too. I know. I have never loved someone so much, nor have I ever hated someone so much. I know wanting to have him in my life as a friend even is totally out of the question, we can't even talk in person without it becoming awkward in the middle of a conversation, but I can dream can't I? Truth be told I probably <strong>shouldn't</strong> be dreaming that, but what are ya gonna do? 

I just want you to know...

I don't know why I want him to know that I'm doing this to myself. I mean it's not as if I'm doing it because of him...I think. I doubt it. I just want him to know for some reason, that I'm cutting myself. (Because i did it again tonight) I don't know what I'm expecting him to do or say. It's not like he's going to magically have wise advice to offer. The only thing that would probably come of me telling him is him being worried and telling Syd or Chey. And telling me not to do it, which I already know. I don't know why I want to tell him so badly, or what I'm expecting to come of my telling him. I feel like he should know, for some reason. Not to make him feel like he's the reason I'm doing it, because he's not. But I want him to know. I probably won't tell him, but there's always the off chance I will. Maybe this is the universe trying to help me. Maybe he'll tell me something that will totally change my outlook and help, but probably not. 

I miss you

Last night when the other girls got off and went out with their boyfriends while I stayed in the office a while longer, it made me realize how much I miss going out with you, and just being together and hanging out. That was one of the best parts of having you; knowing that you would always be there and just being around someone who made me genuinely happy. I almost broke down at work last night and started crying. I miss you a lot still, I guess it just took sitting by myself at work doing nothing to realize just how much. I wish you'd come back. I don't even know if you and the bitch are even together, I assume you are but I don't even know and that's not sitting with me. Not knowing that you at least got something good out of this whole ordeal. It sucks. I want to ask how you two are, but asking that out of nowhere would probably come off as weird. And you probably wouldn't give me a straight up answer anyway because you'd probably be thinking about how it'd affect my depression, which by the way is at an all time high right now so it wouldn't matter. I just miss talking to you and being together. I just want to see how you are.