What did I just do

I've been thinking about doing it for a while now. I'm surprised I didn't the last time. Guys, I don't know what I just did or why I did it. It just kind of happened. I was on Pinterest and *BOOM* next thing I know I'm cutting. It happened last night to except for I just kind of made scratch marks with a safety pin. Tonight I actually cut and bled. I know it's not a good coping mechanism, and that I shouldn't have done it. But I did. And as bad as I know it is to say this, I kind of enjoyed it. Now I'm just sitting here staring at the cuts. They're fascinating in their own morbid kind of way and I like them. I want to keep cutting, I don't know why. I don't even know what I'm doing or who I at this point. Shit. 

Reader, reader

I have days occasionally where I wish I could show you my blogs. Where I wish you'd read the things I write on here so you'd understand exactly what I went through and exactly how I felt and feel. I'm having one of those days tonight. Especially so since your sister now has my blog address and could so easily give it to you or show you. I wish you would read this stuff sometimes, because I wonder if it would surprise you some of the things I've felt or said. I wonder if it'd surprise you how much I hate her, or how in love with you I am. I wonder if it'd get you thinking. But you'll probably never see this, which honestly is kind of sad. I WANT you to read these things. But I'll never have the courage to show you or tell you myself. I'll have to have someone else do it for me. I'd be terrified of what you'd think. How you'd judge me or see me differently. But I am curious as to what you'd think. I want you to be one of my readers. I crave your opinion. 

I wonder

I wonder if you think about me sometimes. If you ever miss me like I miss you. If you ever think about wanting me back. You probably don't, but I wonder if you do sometimes. I wonder if I at least cross your mind occasionally. 

I'm not even sure what's happening

I was with Syd, Chey, and J (His sister)  tonight. Ands when we came back He came to pick J up. Seeing him for the first time in a few weeks was....I don't know. I mean, I was happy to see him, but at the same time I'm not sure it was a good thing. I feel a little sick now and I'm not sure if it was seeing him or if its that Starbucks I had a little while ago. I miss him, and probably seeing him wasn't very good for me. Actually it's definitely not good for me. It's bad right, that I legitimately thought about and almost did kiss him when we walked out the door? (We both left at the same time) It's bad. I know. This is why being around him is more than likely not good for me. Because things like this will happen again and at some point I'll probably go completely off my rocker and actually do it. Then I'll really feel like an idiot. More so than I already do for still missing him this badly. Why did I have to fall in love with him? Why is this my life right now? I'm not even sure what I'm feeling right now. Am I sad? Happy? Sickened? I have no clue. Shit.

Everything

I just thought of this. She's going to turn you into everything you said you didn't want to be. You said you wanted to wait until marriage, she took that from you. You said you didn't want a relationship based around sex, well that what you have. You said you didn't just want to be an ass, but look what she's made you. You said you wanted to fix things, she's only made them worse. You said you didn't want to be a liar, but look at what you've lied about for her sake. She's going to and pretty much already has turned you into everything you said you didn't want to be. I truthfully don't ne'er stand how you can still be with her. How you can let her turn you against all your morals. How you still think she's a good person and a good friend. I just really don't understand how you can still stand her after all she's done to you and put you through. I really don't get it.

Explain please

You will hardly talk to me. You will hardly text me. It feel like you're trying to cut me out of your life. But you can like my picture and my status on Facebook? Oh, okay, that makes sense. I'm so confused, what are you doing?

Vomit and cry

I was with Syd today and towards the end the prom bitch came. I though maybe Moum would be there in time and I wouldn't have to see her, but such was not the case. Anyway being in the same room as her after I left I seriously almost vomited. I should not hate a person so much that the very mention of them makes me sick, but I do. So there was that and then Syd is apparently having a bonfire tonight. I didn't get invited (reason I feel like a charity case sometimes) but it doesn't matter, I don't know that I would have gone, prom bitch is there and so is he. I want to see him, being in the same place as her isn't good for me, and honestly I'm not sure it's a good idea to see him. It probably wouldn't help with the whole getting over him thing. But I miss him so much. It's been bad the past couple of days. Like really bad, not being able to sleep bad. And he's constantly on my mind, I just want him to be mine again. I just want to tell the prom bitch to go fuck herself and leave us be so we can be happy and perfect together. Obviously thought, that isn't going to happen. I wish I would have been the choice. I wish he was mine again. I want to vomit at the thought of her and cry at the thought of him. My life fucking sucks right now.

Late Nights and Late Thoughts

I absolutely hate not being able to sleep. It's annoying for one thing and for another thing it gives me too much time to think. Late nights are part of the reason I just want to be depressed and anti social again. When I was depressed all I thought about was being alone and sleeping. Now I can't stop think about him, and being out with people and doing things. And then I come to my mothers and I realize how much much I hate my life because I never get asked to do things or go places or hang out with people. Sometimes I feel like people tolerate me because they feel bad for me. I feel, especially on nights like tonight, like in reality everybody hates me and no one can stand me. I can't stop thinking tonight. I can't stop thinking about being with him, or that maybe he left me and cheated on me because he actually couldn't stand me. Because he thought I was the most annoying person he's ever met. I feel like that's what everyone thinks about me. I feel like a charity case that people only stand because they feel bad for me for some reason. I honestly wish I hadn't come out of my depression. I wouldn't have to worry if my friends thought of me as a charity case because I wouldn't have any. I wouldn't have been cheated on because I wouldn't have had a boyfriend inthe first place. I hate my life. I hate myself. I just want to curl up and stop thinking for a few hours. I just want a normal life, a life where I'm not a charity case. A life where everything is dandy and happy. Where I don't feel like a charity case, where I don't feel totally useless or unloved. I wish I was depressed again because then I wouldn't care about this stuff.

Missing

I'm hardcore missing him right now. I've pretty much been fine this week, but now I'm laying here missing him like no other. I still haven't been able to cry about it yet. I don't know if its because I don't need to, or because I won't let myself? But I miss him something awful tonight. This is torture. 

Sigh

I lost. If you can call it losing. It's just really hitting me now because I'm alone and no one is here to distract me. It's this sinking feeling in my gut, and the urge to cry. Just the urge, my eyes will tear up and I'll think I'm going to then it just goes away. I feel sick to my stomach and I made dinner but no one is here to eat it, I'm certainly not going to. I told myself while I was doing the dishes that I deserved better than someone who when they fucked up and were given a second chance didn't even want to try and fix things. I deserve better, I do. And I know I'll find someone better eventually. But it's going to be hard. Especially knowing that they're together. That he'll probably tell her he loves her and who knows if he actually means it. I told myself that I was happy they were together, that the two liars, the two cheater, the two assholes deserve each other. I hope they're really happy. I hope they both fuck each other over and cheat on the other. I have half a mind to tell her that just because I forgave her doesn't mean I want anything to do with her. And I have half a mind to tell him he's the biggest fucking douche bag ass I've ever met. I want to, in time still be friends with him, but truthfully, I don't think I ever will be able to. At least not while he's with her. I just can't. He's not even mine and the thought of the two of them being in the same building makes me want to puke and slap them both. I hate her for ruining the one good thing in my life and I hate him for picking her. But it's over now. 

I'd like to laugh at my life right now

I'd like you all to laugh at the patheticness that is my life right now. He picked her. Not me. He picked sex over an actual decent relationship. Okay, if that's what you want then I hope you two are happy together. I knew he was going to pick her last night. He she and I were all at a mutual friends house and then he left with her. If he was picking me he would have stayed. He called me and told me he was picking her and then when we hung up, I sat there and kind of cried and laughed at the same time.

Lights!Camera!Action!

I swear, and if you've read my whole story I'm sure you'd probably agree, my life could be a smash reality show. Honestly, if Keeping Up With the Kardashians is as popular as it is, people would fall in love with my life currently. I'd probably only be good for one season or two, but still. Also, I knew my mother and I were similar, but our life situations are legitimately EXACTLY the same. Save for we're switched in positions. Other than that though we are in the same exact situation. It's weird. 

I've got an itch, literally.

So apparantly being really stressed out causes you to get really itchy. And as I am currently really stressed, I'm super itchy and now I can't sleep. So I hope you're happy. Now I'm tired and itchy. Good job. Even though you don't know I'm super stressed and super itchy its still your fault. 

Hurry

The world went and got itself in a big damn hurry. A line from the Shawshank Redemption. It's so true. So very true.

I need to weep

I am terrified to the point of feeling nauseous that he isn't going to want me back. I gave him until Monday, exactly two weeks he's had now. I will get an answer Monday. I'm just terrified that its not going to be good. Terrified that he'll want her more. He cheated on me with her, I feel like that in itself says she has something I don't. Like it says I'm not a good enough person to be loved. That I lack the qualities that keep someone from cheating. I'm so scared. What if he picks her? I'll be devastated. Of course he won't know how badly it will hurt if he picks her. I want him to be happy, and if the prom bitch is going to make him happy, then I guess I'll take it like an adult. Because when you love someone you have to let them go. You have to allow them to do what gives them joy. I'm still vying for myself. I haven't really counted myself out of the race yet. He said he yes when I asked if he wanted a relationship with me, and I don't know when I asked if he wanted one with her. So that's good for me, but I'm still nervous. Say he realizes he loves her more than he loves me. He'll pick her for sure then. I feel absolutely sick. And I just want to cry with nervousness. Come Monday, I think no matter what his choice, I'll have to weep. Not cry, no. Weep. The kind of weeping that will leave me completely spent and lying in a big happy or sad heap in my bed. The kind of weeping that you can only do when you're feeling total emotion. Crying won't suffice to rid me of these emotions and jitters and god only knows what. I need to weep. I need to let myself go completely and put all my effort into it. Think of nothing but weeping of joy or sorrow. I need a good weep. It will revive me. Because come Monday, I know I'll be a pile of nothingness. All my energy completely spent on trying to get him back, even though he may not deserve it. I want him so badly. I'm putting myself out there completely and it's exhausting. I need to weep. That and nothing more.

I told you so

I told you she'd still be your friend if we got back together. I told you. Now, I've shown you. Her words. Her EXACT words. Do you believe me now? I told you so. 

I'm not good at giving ultimatums

I thought about giving him an ultimatum last night, but I couldn't. So this is our conversation and what transpired. 

(Because I'm a pushy bitch, and I knew that he was lying because he TOLD me earlier he wanted me back I kept pushing)

So, now I'm stuck here again, being strung along some more. Not knowing if we are or are not going to get back together. I want him back desperately. I wish he'd stop letting her unknowingly make decisions for him. Why can't I just have him back? 

Tired

 I'm so tired of this. I feel completely strung out. I've been on edge with not knowing where we're going for almost two weeks now. It's honestly exhausting putting yourself completely out there and willing to drop it all for someone and they just keep stringing you along. "Can I have a week?" Of course. But now it's been almost two. I can't do this much longer. I feel like I'm going to snap. I need an answer. Me? Or her? Or well not so much her, but rather me, or neither? I know you're going to lie anyway and say you want us both to be happy. That's not what I'm asking. Do you want a relationship? Yes, or No? Answer me truthfully, because I know you're going to fuck yourself over to make her happy.

Ugh

I want him to be here. Right now. I want to kiss him. I want him to hold me. I just want him desperately. 

Fuck her

Fuck her. And while I know I should be pissed at him for cheating and now toying with me, unintentionally or not, I can't help but be even more pissed off at her.  She fucking ruined everything. Everything was fine and good and then she came along and fucked everything up. I should be equally mad at them both, but I'm not. I'm just mad at her. I'm beyond mad, I'm furious. One good thing in my  life at the absolute shittiest time of my life and she comes tramping in and destroys it. Fuck you. I fucking hate you. Go die. 

I can't wait forever, but neither can you.

Listen, I get that you care for her, I do. But I can't, as much as I would, I can't wait around for you to decide that she is going to be ok. She'll be alright, you can't be so concerned about her. She is a 17 year old girl, and she'll go right back to him when he looks at her. Please, I get that you want her to be happy, but you can't wait around on her to get happy and sacrifice both yours and my happiness. You just can't. I can't wait around forever, but neither can you. She messed things up for us once, don't let her do it again. Please, please.

Fool me once

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." It's an old saying with a lot of truth. We're going round two with this relationship, and I'm trusting you, by some unknown force, to not do it again. Fool me once, shame on you. This was all you, I was clueless. Fool me twice, shame on me. I know what you've done now and I'm trusting you again. If it happens again I can't get upset. I'm not clueless anymore. But believe me when I say, that I do love you. I happen to love you an awful lot and that's why I'm doing this.   

Cool

I just got back and I already want to leave again. I want out of this house, out of this town; fuck, I wouldn't even mind out of this state or country. I just need to leave again. This today has been the icing on the "I can't take much more of this" cake. I just need to get away and forget about everyone and everything here. I just want to leave

A hole of comparison

I think one of the worst feelings someone can have is a feeling of being compared to another person. Regardless of who is doing it. Someone else does it, you feel like shit. You do it, you feel maybe slightly shittier. Either way you end up feeling like a lost abused puppy that no one will ever love. Even if you know people love you. There's just something about beating up on yourself because you feel like you can't live up to someone else that does a damage that nothing can repair. Sure you can tuck it away and maybe forget about it, but the damage is still irreparably done. As if comparing yourself to someone isn't bad enough, you sometimes feel like other people compare you someone else and that just adds to the feeling of shittiness. I can't help but think, even though I'm quite sure it's not true, that he did it because she's skinnier than I am. She doesn't have stretch marks. Or a not so flat stomach. She's pretty too. She's an image of 21st century American perfection. And I, well, I am not. I'm not fat, I'm not ugly, but certainly I don't live up to the perfect American girl icon that most guys want. I can't help but compare myself to her and pick at my flaws in hopes of finding a reason, one that notably isn't there, as to why he cheated. I was fine today and now I've gone and put myself in a hole of comparison. It's an awful thing for someone to do to themselves. 

I think I forgot

I do believe I forgot to mention, they had sex. I realize this doesn't really help my whole "I want him back and I love him regardless of what he did" situation, but just a rather important tid bit of info I forgot to mention in my other posts. And now you have the whole story as it currently is. 

Realize

I just wish he'd realize that the prom bitch will never be able to be with him because she'll go running right back to her asshole as soon as he looks at her. I hope he realizes that we can be happy together, because I know he loves me and I love him. Even if its not forever, I was hoping it'd be longer than this. Maybe he'll realize. Maybe he'll see that I'll love him even when she's gone

Happiness, it's relevant

You wanted to be happy with me. That's all I wanted too. You said that, those words yet you said them after you did what I thought you'd never do. So why do I believe you? Why am I still head over heels for you? Why can't I imagine my life right now without you? You said you loved me and I believed you. Then you broke that trust. Now you say this and I still believe you. I guess when you love someone that's what you do. You believe them, regardless of what they've done. 

...

It terrifies me to think, well know really, that he probably loves her more than he'll ever love me. It's awful, but I still love him. I just hope he realizes that.

Well fuck. I don't even know.

I got back from Italy on Saturday. And hung out with my friends and boyfriend on Sunday. Then he broke up with me. He cheated on me multiple times with the prom bitch. I was pissed at the, both yesterday night and really upset. And now I'm not. Is it bad that I've already forgiven him? That even though he fucked her I still want to be with him. That I still love him. That if he asked me out today I'd say yes in a heartbeat? Everyone is angry with them and I, the one who got hurt the most, have already gotten over it and forgiven them. We talked last night after he did it and we talked again today. He told me he loves me, and I believe him, as bad as it may sound. I told him I loved him to and that I'd get back with him in a millisecond if he ever wanted me. I know it's probably stupid of me. I feel like,I feel like Syd and the drugee she's found herself hopelessly attracted to. No matter how badly he treats her she'll go back to him if he calls. I feel like that only worse because I'm in love with mine unlike her. I just want him back. It's awful that I'm willing to put up with the possibility of being cheated on again, having my heart broken again, and being lied to and having my trust crushed again. But as much as I know it's wrong, I can't help myself. I love him desperately, and even though everyone has told me, including him, and I know it myself, I don't want better, I want him. That's all. Him and only him. I just wanted and want to be happy with him. That's it. But now if we get back together, we'll have to keep it to ourselves. Because everyone is mad and they'll call me dumb. But I just want to be with him. Why did things happen like this. Fuck.